Why ‘Moving On’ from Grief is a Myth – And What Actually Happens Instead

Why “Moving On” From Grief is a Harmful Myth

Grief stays forever because love stays forever. One of the most painful aspects of grief is feeling pressured to “get over it” or “move forward” too quickly. This expectation often comes from a misunderstanding of how grief actually works.

The Harmful Impact of the ‘Moving On’ Myth

• It makes people feel like they’re grieving “wrong” ; Many people struggle with waves of grief months and even years after a loss. If they believe they should have ‘moved on,’ they may feel guilt or shame for still hurting. This can lead to isolation, as they may feel they need to suppress their emotions to appear “okay” to those around them.
• It creates unnecessary emotional pressure. Grief is not a linear process, and no two people experience it the same way. Trying to ‘move on’ before you’re ready can suppress emotions, leading to unresolved pain that can manifest in unexpected ways, such as anxiety, depression, or even physical illness.
• It overlooks the fact that love doesn’t disappear. The people we lose remain part of us. Our relationship with them doesn’t end; it transforms. We continue to love them in new ways, carrying their memories, wisdom, and love into our lives.

Personal Reflection: When I lost my younger brother when we were both teenagers (he was 16, I was 17), I remember feeling very lonely because his absence was all I could think of and feel in my entire being. Yet, I didn’t dare to bring it up because I didn’t want others to feel uncomfortable. But the more I kept it to myself, the heavier my grief felt. Over time, I learned that grief doesn’t vanish, it evolves. I realized that talking about him, keeping his memory alive through shared stories, and honouring his legacy in my own way helped lighten the weight of my loss.

What Really Happens in the Grieving Process

Grief is not about forgetting or leaving behind the person we’ve lost. It’s about adapting to a new reality while carrying their love with us. Research in psychology and neuroscience supports this:

The Science of Grief

• The Brain and Grief : Studies show that grief activates the same areas of the brain as physical pain. Losing a loved one is not just emotional—it’s neurological and physical too. This is why grief can feel exhausting, disorienting, and even painful in the body. It’s as if the body and brain are trying to adjust to an invisible wound, one that does not simply heal with
  time but requires intentional processing and acknowledgment.
• Grief is a Process, Not a Finish Line: Dr. William Worden’s Four Tasks of Mourning describe grief as an active process:

1. Accepting the reality of the loss: Coming to terms with the fact that the person is physically gone. This can take time, as our brains struggle to reconcile the absence of someone who was once an integral part of our daily lives.
2. Processing the pain of grief: Allowing space for emotions rather than suppressing them. This includes sadness, anger, guilt, and even moments of joy as we remember our loved one.
3. Adjusting to a world without them: Adapting to life changes while still honouring their memory. This might involve redefining roles, traditions, and a sense of self.
4. Finding a way to maintain a connection: Continuing to cherish the relationship in new ways. This could be through rituals, storytelling, or actions that honour their legacy.

Book Insight: In her brilliant book The Grieving Brain, Mary-Frances O’Connor explains how our minds struggle with grief because our neural pathways are wired for attachment. This explains why grief can feel like a physical longing for the person who is gone. We miss them with our whole being, not just our minds. Understanding this can help us approach grief with more self-compassion and patience.

How to Carry Love Forward Instead of ‘Moving On’

If ‘moving on’ isn’t the answer, what is? Instead of trying to forget or push through grief, consider ways to integrate it into your life with love and intention:

Embracing Grief in Healthy Ways

• Create Rituals of Connection: Writing letters to your loved one, lighting a candle in their honour, or revisiting places you shared together can help keep their presence alive in a comforting way. Some people find comfort in celebrating birthdays or anniversaries by doing something their loved one enjoyed.
• Embrace Mindfulness & Presence: Rather than fighting grief, allow it to exist without judgment. Meditation and breathwork can help you stay present with your emotions. (Check out my guided meditations on Spotify and Apple Podcast.) Practicing mindfulness can help you navigate grief by acknowledging emotions without becoming overwhelmed by them.
•  Talk About Them: Keeping their memory alive through stories and conversations can be deeply healing. Sharing their jokes, favourite meals, or special moments helps reinforce that they are still a part of your life. When we continue talking about those we’ve lost, we keep their spirit alive in a meaningful way.
•  Find Meaning in Their Legacy: Continue their values in your own life. Whether it’s through charity, art, or daily actions, honouring their impact can bring comfort and purpose. If they loved volunteering, consider giving your time to a cause they cared about. If they were passionate about music, perhaps playing their favourite songs or learning an instrument can be a tribute.

The Role of Support in Grief

No one should have to navigate grief alone. Finding support—whether through a grief counsellor, support groups, or close friends—can make a profound difference.

• Seek Community: Connecting with others who have experienced loss can provide validation and understanding. Online forums, local grief support groups, or even social media communities can be a source of comfort. Sometimes, simply knowing that others have walked this path can ease feelings of isolation.
• Journaling as a Tool: Writing about your grief can help process emotions in a non-judgmental space. Consider keeping a grief journal where you write letters to your loved one or document memories. This practice allows you to express what you might find difficult to say out loud.
• Healing Through Creativity: Music, art, and other creative outlets can be powerful tools for expressing grief. Many people find that creating something meaningful helps them channel their emotions in a constructive way. Whether through painting, poetry, or storytelling, creativity can provide a safe space for processing emotions.

Final Thoughts: Healing Without ‘Letting Go’

Grief is not a problem to be solved; it’s a natural part of love and loss. The goal is not to ‘move on,’ but to move forward while carrying love with you. Healing does not mean forgetting, it means finding ways to coexist with grief in a way that allows you to continue living fully.